Month after month with no luck. I don't understand. How could it have been so easy the first time, and be so hard this time?
Seven months of trying for another baby with no luck. Five months of no period. Then I finally get my period back for one month, and now I'm 5 days late and not pregnant. I don't understand.
I desperately want another baby, Eli is about to be four, and I wanted our kids to be somewhat close together. Everyone around me is getting pregnant, and it seems so easy for them. It was that easy for us before. I don't know what's different this time around. I have never felt so alone as I do now.
Don't get me wrong, I love Eli, and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I just want him to experience having a sibling. I want to hold a newborn again. I want to do it all over again. I can't wait to be pregnant, to feel the first movement, the first kicks, even with the terrible pregnancy I had with Eli. I won't mind being up all night with a baby. I won't mind going through the first few weeks of life with a newborn.
Eli also wants a baby. Every day he asks for a sister. He offers to share his room with her. It is so sweet, and I desperately want to give him this. For both of us.
Every month I think maybe next month. When do I decide there isn't going to be a next month. When is it time to let it go. To decide my heart has been through enough. That time is getting close. I am not sure how many more tears I can cry before it is too much. When is it time to let enough be enough?
Oh, My heart goes out to you, Erin. I do long to be a mother, but of course, I don't know what it's like to try and hope for a baby that just won't come. However, I have cried so, so many tears waiting for my health, and my life to return. I have been exhausted by the desperation in my heart and I have seen some of the ugliest times when I just didn't know if it was possible to cry anymore. It will get better. I am so much better than I was a year ago. We are stronger than we think we are. Hang in there girl, it'll happen. I am so sorry that your heart is having to go through this, Erin. I know exactly where you are and I know that you feel so alone in your pain. It will get better. And yes, it will be easy again.
ReplyDelete- Marisa